In Columbus they were shopping on the first day, the first official day of war.

This was a bad luck day.

Listening to: Petty Problems by Defiance Ohio

Fact of the day: You are fun.

I don't know why I still care about her.

I need to not exist in a world of people I do not wish to exist in. I can let things go but only if those things will let me.

With reoccurring pasts these things I wish to forget are hard to get rid of.

I think it’s time for me to say fuck the world. I’ve given up on most things pertaining to self- aggrandizing expectations, mostly because the people that surround me are always crushing my dreams. It’s like I'm a tiny ant stuck to the bottom of a shoe. I’ve already been squashed but I'm not quite dead and this shoe has a large distance left to cover.

It’s time for me to put away my shame and finally live my life. Who else but me cares what I choose to do with myself?

I really wish I’d known what I wanted before I made the biggest decision in my life so far. It’s the only thing keeping me here.

Listening to: Drunks, Lovers, Sinners and Saints by Alexisonfire

Fact of the day: if it wasn’t for debt I’d have moved somewhere far from here long ago.

Girls.

Have never liked me.

In elementary school it was always super hard for me to make friends. I had one best friend who was a year older than I, so we never really got to hang out at school. I was also pretty much a tom boy and the other girls in my grade were all very girl-y. They never wanted to hang out with me. I pretty much became a loner. I made my own fun, I loved playing in dirt and getting myself dirty. I always dreaded group tasks, or going to summer camp for the first time because I didn’t know how to make new friends. To boys girls had cooties, to girls I was too boy-ish to hang out with. This isn’t to say I had no friends at all, but I didn’t really have any constant recess mates. To mostly everyone I was an acquaintance who sometimes joined in on games.
I have always been socially awkward and have carried that with me through moving to a new elementary school and then onto high school. I still think I'm pretty tomboyish although I may dress a little better than I used to. But I still have no idea how to actually go about making a new friend on my own. The girls still always seem to hate me for being me and the boys hardly ever talk to me, at least not first. I am too self conscious to approach anyone by myself and introduce myself to them, male or female. The only way I make new friends is if someone will approach me and talk to me or if a current friend introduces me to a new person.
Do you know how much it sucks for me to try and make new friends? Do you know how much anxiety I go through even just starting a new job because I don’t know anyone? It sucks and you have little to no idea what I go through on a daily basis just walking in public by myself. i always feel like people are staring at me so I don't like to look up too often. It is hard for me to look people in they eye even if I've known them all my life. I feel small.
And now apparently it is absurd for me to even think I'm allowed to stay friends with the people I know now? I'm sorry but I am not willing to just let my friends go for absolutely no reason at all. The friends I have now were hard enough to make as is. Meeting someone new and expecting they’ll be able to just replace someone else is ridiculous. I want to hold onto as many, and even meet as many new people as I possibly can. There are over 6 billion people on this earth and I know less than 0.4% of them. Less than 0.1% are my friends. I'm not willing to let the good ones I have just slip away. There are no rules of whom you can or cannot be friends with. My mom tried that with me when I was younger. I think his name was Robby, I now have no idea where this boy is or what he’s up to, all I know is that I lost a friend and I don’t even know why; it depressed me maybe even suppressed me. I will never let this happen again; not without cause.

I’ve had my doubts, tried to stick up for our female population but I'm sorry ladies, I’ve come to the conclusion that at least 97% of us are absolute bitches all of the time. The other 3% can be bitchy when we so desire; its not something that comes naturally but we can pull it out if need be. It goes the same for guys though don’t worry. Only their numbers are a little better off. 64% are douche bags and 36% are genuinely good guys, even if they try to act douchey.
All in all, I have better odds being friends with guys; maybe this is why I do have more guy friends than girl friends.

Listening to: 100k by the Loved Ones

Fact of the day: I don’t even have that many friends.